I still have moments when my brain takes me to how life used to be. It takes me back to survival mode. Billy and I were driving home tonight, full from a lovely dinner at his parents’ house. I thought, “I’m tired. I need to take a nap.” Because that is what I used to do when I worked night shifts. I would take a nap around 8 pm, wake up around 10:15 and brace myself for a long night ahead. I could feel my body going into that mode again, preparing myself to stay up all night.
I laughed, remembering that wasn’t my life anymore. I shared my thought with Billy. It has been almost seven months; and I still have those moments.
Looking back on it, I’m amazed at how long I worked so hard. How long I had to brace myself for sheer exhaustion. Fatigue.
How grateful I am that it is over.
I mentioned early on in this series that it wasn’t until my attitude started changing that my life circumstances started changing. And that change was not immediate.
I had faith. Simple faith. I knew life would get better. I had no idea how or when, but I knew it would get better.
There was a time when I analyzed every possible circumstance, trying to figure out how things could change. Then I let that go.
We can’t always figure things out. The life changes that came to me were never ones that I could have imagined. All the overanalyzing in the world would not have predicted these outcomes.
That’s the frustrating about life (the unpredictability), but it’s also the exciting part. That’s where simple faith comes in. The knowing that life will work out. It’s not knowing how or when. Just that it will.
In those tough seasons of life, simple faith is hard. To believe that life could ever be joyful again is sometimes difficult to believe. What else is there, though? If we don’t have hope, we have despair.
During those tough seasons, simple faith can provide relief. There is comfort in knowing that you don’t need to have all the answers. Sometimes, you don’t need to have any of the answers. You only need to believe.
Those nights of sheer exhaustion are over but somewhere in my body lingers that feeling. The feeling of fatigue. Tonight I have relief. Tonight I am sleeping in my bed.
Tonight I am grateful for simple faith.
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