Thursday, October 11, 2012

Day 12-Reality

I started to feel it.  The feeling that I need rest.

I tried to escape to my peace place tonight. 

But I think the girls are also feeling exhausted.  I just got done dealing with an overtired Katy and put her to bed.  Lucy (who was reading quietly) is now walking around me, making a stuffed animal fly in the air and making high-pitched noises.    

This is reality.

When I think of the person I want to be, I think of someone who is calm.  Someone who doesn’t overreact to an inconvenience.  Someone who doesn’t lose her shit…to use a technical term.

Tonight I kept going.  I wanted to shout “serenity now!” but held my tongue.  I wanted Billy to help me entertain the child making the piercing noises but I let her play in my room instead.  I wanted to be quiet, but I had to answer endless questions about a book Lucy was looking at.

Do I feel any better?  No, I’m actually crawling out of my skin right now.  I can’t wait until I can actually be alone.

This is one of the most challenging times of day for me.  Tired from the day, wanting to be alone.  I feel like I have nothing left to give.

And yet I am asked to give patience and kindness.

Being the person I want to be isn’t easy.  Sometimes, we do have to fake it. 

But I know later, after Lucy has gone to bed, I will be grateful that I showed her patience.  I will be grateful for those extra hugs and kisses I gave a tired Katy.  I will be grateful that I let Lucy talk and play without shushing her.  I will be grateful that I didn’t interrupt Billy’s quiet time to help me out because I know that he is also in need of rest. 

I won’t be twisted up with guilt that I overreacted or was harsh to my family.  And the quiet time that I am so desperate for will seem even more peaceful.


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1 comment:

Be kind, not judgey