I started to feel it. The feeling that I need rest.
I tried to escape to my peace place tonight.
But I think the girls are also feeling exhausted. I just got done dealing with an overtired Katy and put her to bed. Lucy (who was reading quietly) is now walking around me, making a stuffed animal fly in the air and making high-pitched noises.
This is reality.
When I think of the person I want to be, I think of someone who is calm. Someone who doesn’t overreact to an inconvenience. Someone who doesn’t lose her shit…to use a technical term.
Tonight I kept going. I wanted to shout “serenity now!” but held my tongue. I wanted Billy to help me entertain the child making the piercing noises but I let her play in my room instead. I wanted to be quiet, but I had to answer endless questions about a book Lucy was looking at.
Do I feel any better? No, I’m actually crawling out of my skin right now. I can’t wait until I can actually be alone.
This is one of the most challenging times of day for me. Tired from the day, wanting to be alone. I feel like I have nothing left to give.
And yet I am asked to give patience and kindness.
Being the person I want to be isn’t easy. Sometimes, we do have to fake it.
But I know later, after Lucy has gone to bed, I will be grateful that I showed her patience. I will be grateful for those extra hugs and kisses I gave a tired Katy. I will be grateful that I let Lucy talk and play without shushing her. I will be grateful that I didn’t interrupt Billy’s quiet time to help me out because I know that he is also in need of rest.
I won’t be twisted up with guilt that I overreacted or was harsh to my family. And the quiet time that I am so desperate for will seem even more peaceful.
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