When you are going through something, it can be challenging to talk and write about, especially when you can’t put words to it.
I’ve been trying to think of why the blog has been silent for so long.
What has been going on? I’ve changed. Of course I have. I went through a major loss. I had to adapt to this new world.
There was a lot of uncertainty.
There was a lot of fear. I could feel myself changing, but I couldn’t describe how. And I worried that I wouldn’t like who I was at the end of this.
And there were no words to describe it.
And looking at today, I don’t know that the words are there yet.
It’s ok to change. It’s a good thing. We can’t go through life without changing who we are, what are interests are, what our goals are. This change was forced. And scary.
There has been some sadness letting go of the person I used to be. I look back on that person from two years ago with jealousy, at times. That person was so hopeful about the future. And not that despair has taken its place (well, for a while it did), I learned such hard lessons about life that sometimes I am afraid to hope like that.
So many times, I would think about sitting down to write a post and simply get overwhelmed with nothing to write.
Lately, I’m leaning into the change. I’m giving myself permission to be this new person, instead of feeling guilty or sad that I’m not the old person.
I’m giving myself permission to explore new interests, new goals.
I’m giving myself permission to change, instead of resisting every moment of it, which is very exhausting.
One of my goals for 2016 is to practice gratitude. Now that Lent is here, I’m trying to make that a daily practice.
I’m finding that it’s ok to give gratitude to the person I used to be and the experiences I had, instead of feeling jealous and sad.
And I’m giving gratitude for those constants in my life-family, friendships, this quiet place that I call home.
And I’m giving gratitude to this new person that I am.
I feel something stirring. It’s nameless. It’s part of this change. I could fear it. I could resist every moment of it. Instead, I’m going to try leaning in a bit and see where I’m headed.