This feels like the end of summer.
The kids have two weeks left of summer break. And for those of you who are thinking, that’s a short break, I will reply…my kids need school. Bad. And they get a week off in October, so let’s not feel too sorry for them. For those of who wishing that you were on the same school schedule, your day will come-hang in there.In a weird turn of events ALL of my siblings are visiting this summer. I have mentioned that I’m the youngest of six, right? I haven’t seen most of them since the events of last August, and I have to say, it’s nice visiting when we are not in emotional crisis.
My writing has pretty much become nonexistent. Actually, my running has been as well. But I feel like the source of that has been identified. I have issues being alone in my head. Stemming from last August, of course. You will be happy to note that I am working on that. Turns out the helper needs a helper.In related news, I am also working on my mindfulness to stop running away from being alone in my head. As an introvert, I actually really like being alone in my head. It is generally peaceful. I am looking forward to getting back in there.
Also, I keep getting stuck. I will feel really good and then go back to that dark place with the silent companion of grief. I realized something today. I do things that really make me feel good-I sew, I do yoga, I journal. And then I think, oh, I feel really good. And then I stop doing those things. And then the grief rises back up to the surface. I think the lesson here is that even if I feel good, I still need to do those important things to take care of myself. The irony here is that as a helper, I have told others to do that…while sabotaging myself. Let’s not judge here. Perfection doesn’t exist, remember?So here I am, in all of this messy grief, with the hardest weeks in front of me. At least, that’s what I imagine. I don’t want to be blindsided again. Remember Mother’s Day? When I thought, I’m totally fine, and then I ended up avoiding facebook for two days because I simply couldn’t be reminded of this holiday? Yeah…I’m just going to assume the next few weeks will be difficult. If I’m handling it better than I thought, well, that will be a pleasant surprise. Like realizing that you still have beer in the fridge.
Obviously, I need to head into these next few weeks with some planning. No matter how good I feel, I need to actively do those things that center me, that help me feel connected to the world, that help remind me that I am not in that dark place of last August.On another note, many friends seem to be going through a similar journey. Your situation might be a bit different, you may be at a different place in your story, but I see that heartbreak, I see that struggle. I want you all to know, I’m thinking of you, I’m praying for you, and I hope that you find peace in your heart.