Monday, July 27, 2015

Late July

This feels like the end of summer.

The kids have two weeks left of summer break.  And for those of you who are thinking, that’s a short break, I will reply…my kids need school.  Bad.  And they get a week off in October, so let’s not feel too sorry for them.  For those of who wishing that you were on the same school schedule, your day will come-hang in there.
In a weird turn of events ALL of my siblings are visiting this summer.  I have mentioned that I’m the youngest of six, right?  I haven’t seen most of them since the events of last August, and I have to say, it’s nice visiting when we are not in emotional crisis. 

My writing has pretty much become nonexistent.  Actually, my running has been as well.  But I feel like the source of that has been identified.  I have issues being alone in my head.  Stemming from last August, of course.  You will be happy to note that I am working on that.  Turns out the helper needs a helper. 
In related news, I am also working on my mindfulness to stop running away from being alone in my head.  As an introvert, I actually really like being alone in my head. It is generally peaceful.  I am looking forward to getting back in there.

Also, I keep getting stuck.  I will feel really good and then go back to that dark place with the silent companion of grief.  I realized something today.  I do things that really make me feel good-I sew, I do yoga, I journal.  And then I think, oh, I feel really good.  And then I stop doing those things.  And then the grief rises back up to the surface.  I think the lesson here is that even if I feel good, I still need to do those important things to take care of myself.  The irony here is that as a helper, I have told others to do that…while sabotaging myself.  Let’s not judge here.  Perfection doesn’t exist, remember?
So here I am, in all of this messy grief, with the hardest weeks in front of me.  At least, that’s what I imagine.  I don’t want to be blindsided again.  Remember Mother’s Day?  When I thought, I’m totally fine, and then I ended up avoiding facebook for two days because I simply couldn’t be reminded of this holiday?  Yeah…I’m just going to assume the next few weeks will be difficult.  If I’m handling it better than I thought, well, that will be a pleasant surprise.  Like realizing that you still have beer in the fridge.

Obviously, I need to head into these next few weeks with some planning.  No matter how good I feel, I need to actively do those things that center me, that help me feel connected to the world, that help remind me that I am not in that dark place of last August.
On another note, many friends seem to be going through a similar journey.  Your situation might be a bit different, you may be at a different place in your story, but I see that heartbreak, I see that struggle.  I want you all to know, I’m thinking of you, I’m praying for you, and I hope that you find peace in your heart.

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Be kind, not judgey