Wednesday, October 22, 2014

At Least

It is a fact that there are other people in the world with more painful circumstances than my own.
Sometimes, in an effort to remind myself of that, I think in “at leasts.”

…at least my mom didn’t suffer for years
…at least I was older when my mom passed

…at least I am ok
Or maybe I am trying to make myself feel better by thinking that I shouldn’t complain because others have it worse.  Honestly, none of those thoughts or the many other “at leasts” that I come up with make me feel better.

Because the pain is still real.  And even if it isn’t the worst pain in the history of the world, it is still my pain. 
I wonder what would happen if I had these thoughts in the context of gratitude.

I am grateful that my mom is at peace.
I am grateful that I had 36 years with my mom.

I am grateful for the memory of a loving mother.
I am grateful that I am surrounded by friends and family to get me through this.

That gratitude brings a lot of pain to the surface.  Simply writing that was painful. 
But it was real.

And hiding behind the “at leasts” isn’t real.  It’s not genuine.  It’s pretending to be ok.
And it’s ok if I am not ok.

This post is part of my 31 Day series.  To start from the beginning, click here.

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Be kind, not judgey