Day 31-Drifting to the End

 

Today started off foggy.  I was driving into work through some thick patches of fog.

Suddenly, I reached a spot on the highway that was clear.  Everything going forward was clear.

Mindfulness can be like that.  Drifting through a fog and suddenly you see where you are, what surrounds you, where you are going.       

This 31 day journey of mindfulness has been a bit like that too.  Moments filled with awareness and other moments drifting through the fog.

Part of me wants this to be some sort of awakening.  That going forward, I will always be mindful.  But the reality is this is not something that I can keep up.  Moments of drifting are just part of my life.  Sometimes, those moments actually help reset my brain.

And that’s ok.

As this journey went on (particularly the last week), I have felt more drifting.  Then I remind myself that I have been sick.  My sinuses are foggy too. 

I do hope that I keep up the daily reflection with myself.  While the everyday blogging gets a bit cumbersome, having at least one moment of gratitude and reflection each day has been beneficial.  And at least for one moment, each day, I was awake.

Thank you all for joining me for a day of the journey, parts of it or the whole enchilada!

This post concludes the 31 Day series-Mindful Moments.

31 Days of Mindful Moments

It’s that time of year again-the 31 Days blogging challenge hosted by The Nester.

I like to use this as an opportunity for self-reflection.  Last year, my theme was Being the Person.

This year’s theme is Mindful Moments.

This theme was inspired by my focus for the year to be awake, present in my surroundings and the world around me.  This has been challenging.  Distractions are so easy to find in this world.  I was inspired by Jen Hatmaker to take moments out of each day for refection and gratitude. 

Mindful moments.

As a social worker, I am often greeted with the harsh reality of the world around us.  Sometimes I float through my days as a way to escape the tragedy I see around me.

But this escape doesn’t protect me from pain.

I see it every day in my real world too.  The struggle to survive another day is very real for those close to me. 

I also realize that when I am having some of my best days, some of you may be experiencing your worst.

Those of you with your desperate prayers are so close to my heart.  You remind me that I need to love deeply.  Your story inspires me to be awake.

So for the next 30 days, I am going to be purposeful about these moments of reflection and gratitude.

I am going to use verses from the hymn, Lord of All Hopefulness, as my source of meditation to keep me centered.  I heard this a couple of months ago, and this beautiful music has brought some clarity about how I can create these mindful moments throughout the day.

For the morning:

Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy,
Whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy,
Be there at our waking, and give us, we pray,
Your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of the day.

For mid-day:

Lord of all eagerness, Lord of all faith,

Whose strong hands were skilled at the plane and the lathe,
Be there at our labors, and give us, we pray,
Your strength in our hearts, Lord, at the noon of the day.

For the evening:

Lord of all kindliness, Lord of all grace,

Your hands swift to welcome, your arms to embrace,
Be there at our homing, and give us, we pray,
Your love in our hearts, Lord, at the eve of the day.

Before bed:

Lord of all gentleness, Lord of all calm,

Whose voice is contentment, whose presence is balm,
Be there at our sleeping, and give us, we pray,
Your peace in our hearts, Lord, at the end of the day.

Each day I will share a meditation from my day and explain how this maybe influenced my attitude or day.  My hope is that at the end of these 31 days, I will have a new routine of mindful reflection and gratitude.

My hope is that I use this as an opportunity to become more awake.


31 Day Posts:

Day 2-Evening Grace

Day 3-Blissful Day

Day 4-Relief

Day 5-Excuses

Day 6-Endurance

Day 7-Sewing

Day 8-Sincerity

Day 9-Drifting

Day 10-Stillness

Day 11-Pillowcase Therapy

Day 12-Enough

Day 13-A Good Day

Day 14-Contrast

Day 15-Already There

Day 16-All Is Well

Day 17-Strength

Day 18-Projects

Day 19-Slowing Down

Day 20-Getting Lost

Day 21-Creating Quiet

Day 22-Before Sleep

Day 23-Morning Validation

Day 24-Pajamas

Day 25-Let It Go

Day 26-A Fall Afternoon

Day 27-Forced Rest

Day 28-Ready

Day 29-Truth

Day 30-To-Dos

Searching

Two weeks ago I wrote a post about mindfulness. 

And then I found the past two weeks flying by.  How did that happen?

I have been forgetting things.  I have been escaping.

That feeling has been driving me crazy.  I have been going through the motions.  I haven’t really been awake.

Maybe I am making some progress.  Maybe before I wouldn’t have realized that two weeks had completely slipped away.

I’m trying to retrace my steps.  Figure out why I lost track of time.

Scheduling got in the way.  I simply need more down time.  Every weekend has felt rushed and full of to-dos. 

I haven’t been taking care of myself.  I started a craft project a couple of weeks ago that I haven’t finished.  I haven’t been writing.  The change in the daylight has shifted my running schedule, and I am losing out on a run a week.  Translate that into I have lost a therapy session a week. 

I have been hiding.  Hiding in my books.  Hiding in my covers as I flop down to sleep at 9 pm, completely worn out.

I have been taking things personally.  Things that are not personal.  They never really are, anyway.  But that is where my brain goes when it is tired or my heart is weary.  I lose the gift of perspective.

I’m searching for the reset button.

We are headed into my favorite season, and I want to enjoy it. 

Mindful Moments

I started out Labor Day weekend by making a to-do list.  Why do I do that to myself?

After running errands and cleaning on Friday, I spent Saturday watching Mystery Inc. with the girls.  I did run 12.5 miles, so I did accomplish something.

But why am I justifying that to you?

Why can’t I simply enjoy a well-deserved day of nothing?

The girls had a sleepover Sunday night with Billy’s parents.  When I found out that we wouldn’t be picking them up until 4:30 on Monday, I stalled out.

I already completed two tasks that I needed the kids to be out of the house for-going through their old school work and cleaning out a closet with unknown contents.  Let me explain.  My kids (Lucy more so) like to hold onto “stuff.”  They would justify keeping every piece of paper in the stack.  And while I value teaching them how to do things like clean up and get rid of things, at times, I need to go through the stack myself.  And the closet with unknown contents…well…maybe I hid something in there before taking it to Goodwill.  I didn’t want to risk it.

Once that was done, I wasn’t sure what to do. 

I scrambled to come up with something.  And nothing came.  I didn’t want to start a new project.

But I couldn’t simply be.

I hesitated to turn on the computer.  I’ve been down the Pinterest rabbit hole too much.  I didn’t want to see my day disappear there.

In fact, after Billy and I were done with our projects, I made us leave the house so we wouldn’t get sucked into the computer or tv. 

We went for a walk.  In my happy place.  And still I was restless.

I thought back to the book that I read a few months ago by Jen Hatmaker that make me start thinking, what if…

One of the “experiments” in the book is taking moments out of the day to be mindful, to express gratitude, to be present.  This was something that immediately drew me in because at times, my entire day slips away.  And not necessarily because of the usual time wasters (internet), but simply because I haven’t been mindful of the world around me.  I haven’t been present.  Jen Hatmaker used a book of meditations for these moments of reflection.

I thought of this restlessness in my heart the other day, and how moments of reflection might help me stay more grounded, peaceful.

So the question of what if…came up again.  What if I took moments out of my day to be mindful of the day and world around me?  What if I used these moments to express gratitude for the day behind me and seek wisdom for the remaining day ahead?

I don’t have a book of daily meditations.  I was drawn by something else.  A traditional hymn, Lord of All Hopefulness.  I only heard this a month ago, and when I did, it spoke to my soul, as music sometimes does.  Each verse seemed fitting for a meditation for each part of my day.

Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy,

Whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy,

Be there at our waking, and give us, we pray,

Your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of the day.

Lord of all eagerness, Lord of all faith,

Whose strong hands were skilled at the plane and the lathe,

Be there at our labors, and give us, we pray,

Your strength in our hearts, Lord, at the noon of the day.

Lord of all kindliness, Lord of all grace,

Your hands swift to welcome, your arms to embrace,

Be there at our homing, and give us, we pray,

Your love in our hearts, Lord, at the eve of the day.

Lord of all gentleness, Lord of all calm,

Whose voice is contentment, whose presence is balm,

Be there at our sleeping, and give us, we pray,

Your peace in our hearts, Lord, at the end of the day.

I tried to link this to a youtube video with singing, but I wasn’t really jazzed about any of the clips.  I do like this ukulele version, so click here, if you would like to listen to it.

This leaves me with that what if… question again.  What if I spent a few moments of reflection during the day?  Would this bring me peace?  Would this calm a restless spirit?  Would I be more awake?

I think I will take this particular what if out for a spin.  I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

Refocused (maybe)

Last month, I felt fuzzy and unfocused. 

I spent a lot of time working on powerpoint. 

And a lot of time trying to escape.

Now that those projects are completed and we are back at school, I am finally feeling some relief.

Remember how I’ve often mentioned that I am like a small child and need routine?

This summer went by so fast.  We didn’t have the scorching heat of last summer.  These recent days of high heat are made tolerable by the cool nights of late August.

The return of routine has seemed to bring back my focus.

I worked on a couple of projects that I have been putting off for a while.  I have a closet upstairs that holds extra blankets and other crap.  When I opened the door, I would be attacked by a rogue sleeping bag.  I finally organized it.

I baked sandwich bread!  And it worked!

I returned some emails that have been lingering in my personal inbox for weeks. 

I made 24 burritos for our freezer.  Do you ever feel guilty eating food that you have prepped ahead of time and put in the freezer?  Sometimes I do.  I have to remind myself that I made it to eat and make life easier.  It is ok if the burritos are gone in a week.  And they probably will be with Billy.

I registered for my first official half marathon.  I have managed 13.1 a couple of times, but this will be an official timed race.  It is in the park that I normally take my long runs in, so I know where all of the poop rooms are in advance.  That’s important.  I had no idea how important until this summer…don’t judge…

I’m looking at the calendar for September, and it is full of activity.  I’m not feeling overwhelmed by that (yet) and hoping that it doesn’t send me back into escape mode.

Today I am glad to sit in the girls’ room while they read and enjoy the peace.  And routine.

The Next Thing

After my days of survival mode, I thought I needed fill my days with activity.  A voice in my heart told me to be still.

I needed to hear that message.  I needed to be still.

I was tired.  My days had been full of activity but nothing ever seemed to get accomplished.  I was going from a zombie-like state from work, to housework, to the other job, to being a mom. 

I needed to be still.

In being still, I’ve been able to find out a bit more about who I am.  There has been peace in the stillness.

Lately, I’ve been hearing another message on my heart.  Enjoy where you are.

When I was in survival mode or during times of struggling with finances, I would often look at others’ lives and think, I want what they have.  And that meant a lot of different things-I want their house, I want their relationship with their kids, I want their job, the list could go on and on.

I was always scheming for the next thing.  A better house, a better job, a better plan, a better life.  I was forgetting the present.  The life around me.  The life I actually had.  The truth.

In this past year of being still, I have noticed that things aren’t always what they seem.  I knew this, of course, deep down, but when you are desperate, you cling to notions of truth, not actual truth.  You cling to illusions of how life is for other people. 

My eyes have come to see what my heart knew.  The life I thought others’ had wasn’t actually the life that they had.

There was often pain behind the door.  Or heartache.  Or struggle.

So all of my scheming for the next thing was for nothing.  It was a distraction. 

Let me give you an example of this.  I used to constantly look at houses for sale or rent.  Our next place.  The truth is that I enjoy our little home.  Would it be nice to have more space at times or a yard?  Sure.  That doesn’t take away from my enjoyment of our house.

I’m certainly not saying that it’s bad to have goals or dreams.  But my obsession over the next… was taking away from what I love about my life.

Here I am now, enjoying where I am.  And sometimes, it’s hard to enjoy.  There are still times of struggle or heartache.  The difference is that I’m no longer looking for the next thing to distract me from life.  I will be still.  I will enjoy where I am.  Even if the moment or season is challenging.  I will stay awake.

A Long Road to Wisdom

A week ago when I was tucking in the ladies, Lucy wanted to have a deep conversation.  Of course she did, this is Lucy.  The child who is always inspiring me to be a better person.

Lucy wanted to talk about how God gives everyone special talents.  She was reflecting on the talents that we discover over time.  She said, It’s just life.  Being older, you get good at things.

I think about all of the times that I have struggled with that false notion of perfection.  Expecting that in myself.  Thinking that I should have life figured out and my every action should be a reflection of that life. 

And here comes this little lady to remind me about grace.  With age comes certain talents.  There is no perfection.

Surprisingly, it is my birthday, and I haven’t been feeling the melancholy that typically surrounds it.  I have been thinking about Lucy’s words, letting them roll around in my brain for the past week.

At first, I thought, what things have I gotten good at in the past year?  I was stumped.  I mean, I think I’ve gotten better with a hot glue gun over the past year, but that seems a bit trivial.

I realized that it’s not being good at things, maybe I’m more interested in the wisdom that I have gained in the past year.

What has that wisdom looked like in this past year? 

When I entered my 30s, my Sister Runner raved about the benefits of exercising in your 30s.  She was right.  But now I am imparting some wisdom to her about the benefits of eating healthy.  I am determined to eat my 4.5 cups of produce every day.  And my body thanks me.  Although, I still really don’t enjoy eating healthy…this is similar to my thoughts on running. 

 

This job of mine is soul draining.  And while it is important work that I enjoy, I have learned that I need to take care of myself in order to do it well.


Speaking of this business of helping people, I have learned a lot about the value of relationships.  I am resisting my urge to fix things.  Trying to learn someone’s story and simply be with them.  And I have been having some powerful conversations with colleagues about this epiphany.  A simple concept but one that often gets lost in the old way of doing things or even among old assumptions and judgments that we make about folks.

I have learned more about the person that I want to be.  Encouraging, brave, awake.  And so much more.  And I’ve taken some steps to be that person.  I have worked through some fear.  I have taken some risks.

And here I am today on my birthday.  An age that I have been kind of fearing.  Something intense about the number.  Maybe because it’s two odd numbers.  But I am blessed to reach this age.  And reach it in good health with friends and family.  And that is probably the most important wisdom I have gained this year.

The Escape

 

The other night, the ladies had a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa’s.  Billy worked late so I had the house all to myself.

It was lovely.

There were moments of productivity and moments of simply spacing out.

Solitude.

The next morning, Billy asked me if I was bored the previous night.  That was a serious question.

In case you are wondering, the answer I gave him was, No.  The answer I provided in my head was, Are you joking?  Of course, I wasn’t bored.  It was great!  It would have seemed rude to provide that answer, though.

I needed a night like that.  I’ve been spending way too many early mornings with Powerpoint, working on training materials.  I realized this week that my presentation was not going to be perfect (because perfection doesn’t exist), and I needed to let that idea go.  Easier said than done.

Still, that night provided some much needed rejuvenation.  I have been feeling a little unfocused lately.  The ladies only have three weeks left of summer break.  There are projects in my mind that I would like to do but can’t seem to get started.

I read through some old entries in my journal the other night, reminding myself of some truths.  Truths about what I need to focus and feel awake.  Lately, I have been filling too much of my time with escape- computer, reading, etc.  While escape can be good, there is a point where it starts interfering with living.  I think I am at that point.

I have been trying to give myself some grace around that, really looking at the reasons that I feel escape is necessary.  And reminding myself that when I am doing those things that keep me awake, those can be just as refreshing as the escape.