Day 15-Already There

I went to work today with the hangover of yesterday’s bad day.  To be honest, I was a little grateful to be going to work.  I needed a change of physical space to put that day behind me.

Instead of my usual meditation, another song lyric was rolling around in my head today.  I thought it was worthy of switching my meditation for the day.

Why are you trying to earn grace?

Today I woke up and felt lacking.  I’m not sure why this particular bad parenting day impacted me so much. 

Maybe it was a hard look at the person I am versus the person I want to be. 

Maybe when I tried to see myself through Lucy’s eyes, I felt shame.

Today I woke up and didn’t feel worthy of grace.

It was still there.

I keep telling my girls that it is ok to make mistakes.  That every day we get to start fresh.

But I didn’t feel that for myself.

It didn’t matter.  Grace was still there.

I didn’t need to feel a certain amount of mommy guilt.

Grace was still there.

Tonight, the girls and I talked about yesterday.  I think Lucy and I both went to bed last night feeling pretty crummy.  We talked about the different choices that we could have made. 

Lucy said, It’s always ok to make mistakes.  Maybe I don’t always set the example I want to.  That’s part of being human. 

When I find myself making those mistakes, we can talk about it, and I can ask for forgiveness.  Maybe that’s the real example that I should be setting.

The example that perfection doesn’t exist.  When we make mistakes, we can apologize and try to do better next time.

And grace is always there.

 

This post is part of the 31 Day series-Mindful Moments.

 

31 Days of Mindful Moments

It’s that time of year again-the 31 Days blogging challenge hosted by The Nester.

I like to use this as an opportunity for self-reflection.  Last year, my theme was Being the Person.

This year’s theme is Mindful Moments.

This theme was inspired by my focus for the year to be awake, present in my surroundings and the world around me.  This has been challenging.  Distractions are so easy to find in this world.  I was inspired by Jen Hatmaker to take moments out of each day for refection and gratitude. 

Mindful moments.

As a social worker, I am often greeted with the harsh reality of the world around us.  Sometimes I float through my days as a way to escape the tragedy I see around me.

But this escape doesn’t protect me from pain.

I see it every day in my real world too.  The struggle to survive another day is very real for those close to me. 

I also realize that when I am having some of my best days, some of you may be experiencing your worst.

Those of you with your desperate prayers are so close to my heart.  You remind me that I need to love deeply.  Your story inspires me to be awake.

So for the next 30 days, I am going to be purposeful about these moments of reflection and gratitude.

I am going to use verses from the hymn, Lord of All Hopefulness, as my source of meditation to keep me centered.  I heard this a couple of months ago, and this beautiful music has brought some clarity about how I can create these mindful moments throughout the day.

For the morning:

Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy,
Whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy,
Be there at our waking, and give us, we pray,
Your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of the day.

For mid-day:

Lord of all eagerness, Lord of all faith,

Whose strong hands were skilled at the plane and the lathe,
Be there at our labors, and give us, we pray,
Your strength in our hearts, Lord, at the noon of the day.

For the evening:

Lord of all kindliness, Lord of all grace,

Your hands swift to welcome, your arms to embrace,
Be there at our homing, and give us, we pray,
Your love in our hearts, Lord, at the eve of the day.

Before bed:

Lord of all gentleness, Lord of all calm,

Whose voice is contentment, whose presence is balm,
Be there at our sleeping, and give us, we pray,
Your peace in our hearts, Lord, at the end of the day.

Each day I will share a meditation from my day and explain how this maybe influenced my attitude or day.  My hope is that at the end of these 31 days, I will have a new routine of mindful reflection and gratitude.

My hope is that I use this as an opportunity to become more awake.


31 Day Posts:

Day 2-Evening Grace

Day 3-Blissful Day

Day 4-Relief

Day 5-Excuses

Day 6-Endurance

Day 7-Sewing

Day 8-Sincerity

Day 9-Drifting

Day 10-Stillness

Day 11-Pillowcase Therapy

Day 12-Enough

Day 13-A Good Day

Day 14-Contrast

Day 15-Already There

Day 16-All Is Well

Day 17-Strength

Day 18-Projects

Day 19-Slowing Down

Day 20-Getting Lost

Day 21-Creating Quiet

Day 22-Before Sleep

Day 23-Morning Validation

Day 24-Pajamas

Day 25-Let It Go

Day 26-A Fall Afternoon

Day 27-Forced Rest

Day 28-Ready

Day 29-Truth

Day 30-To-Dos

A Long Road to Wisdom

A week ago when I was tucking in the ladies, Lucy wanted to have a deep conversation.  Of course she did, this is Lucy.  The child who is always inspiring me to be a better person.

Lucy wanted to talk about how God gives everyone special talents.  She was reflecting on the talents that we discover over time.  She said, It’s just life.  Being older, you get good at things.

I think about all of the times that I have struggled with that false notion of perfection.  Expecting that in myself.  Thinking that I should have life figured out and my every action should be a reflection of that life. 

And here comes this little lady to remind me about grace.  With age comes certain talents.  There is no perfection.

Surprisingly, it is my birthday, and I haven’t been feeling the melancholy that typically surrounds it.  I have been thinking about Lucy’s words, letting them roll around in my brain for the past week.

At first, I thought, what things have I gotten good at in the past year?  I was stumped.  I mean, I think I’ve gotten better with a hot glue gun over the past year, but that seems a bit trivial.

I realized that it’s not being good at things, maybe I’m more interested in the wisdom that I have gained in the past year.

What has that wisdom looked like in this past year? 

When I entered my 30s, my Sister Runner raved about the benefits of exercising in your 30s.  She was right.  But now I am imparting some wisdom to her about the benefits of eating healthy.  I am determined to eat my 4.5 cups of produce every day.  And my body thanks me.  Although, I still really don’t enjoy eating healthy…this is similar to my thoughts on running. 

 

This job of mine is soul draining.  And while it is important work that I enjoy, I have learned that I need to take care of myself in order to do it well.


Speaking of this business of helping people, I have learned a lot about the value of relationships.  I am resisting my urge to fix things.  Trying to learn someone’s story and simply be with them.  And I have been having some powerful conversations with colleagues about this epiphany.  A simple concept but one that often gets lost in the old way of doing things or even among old assumptions and judgments that we make about folks.

I have learned more about the person that I want to be.  Encouraging, brave, awake.  And so much more.  And I’ve taken some steps to be that person.  I have worked through some fear.  I have taken some risks.

And here I am today on my birthday.  An age that I have been kind of fearing.  Something intense about the number.  Maybe because it’s two odd numbers.  But I am blessed to reach this age.  And reach it in good health with friends and family.  And that is probably the most important wisdom I have gained this year.