Being a Mom after Losing Your Mom

I didn’t realize that being a mom after losing your mom could be so hard.  Although, I suppose I never thought about it until I was there.

A couple of months ago, the girls and I were in the car when this story came on the radio.  They interviewed this woman who was working on the other side of the world.  I think the story was about whatever job she had.  The reporter asked her how she ended up so far from home, and she reflected that after her mom died, she felt that she needed to run away.

When I heard her say that, I thought, I want to run away too.  And I don’t know where that thought came from, but the idea of running away from this silent companion of grief…well…there was a certain freedom to it.

Then I felt this hand on my shoulder.  It was Katy.  She had been listening to the story and put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me.  We were both quiet.

It’s obvious that the girls are more aware of things than maybe I would like for them to be.  I guess part of me wants to shield them from this grief.  From this sadness and heartache. 

But they’ve seen me at some bad moments.  And I know, deep inside, that it’s ok for them to know that we can be sad when we lose someone that we love.

The girls give me these looks sometimes, it’s almost like a head tilt, where they are wondering if I’m sad.  And sometimes I smile at them.  Even when I want to run in the other room and cry.  And sometimes I don’t smile because I can’t.

I have these lapses.  I’m ok, and then I’m good and then suddenly I’m not ok.  My guess is that my parenting during these past months reflects that.

I wanted to rush through the holidays.  The day after Christmas, Billy asked if I wanted him to take the Christmas tree down and I probably said, YES!, a little too urgently.  He thought it was sad that I was so excited for the holidays to be over.

I suppose it was sad, but anyone who has ever been grieving knows how much the holidays can suck.  Yes, suck.  There is no other word.  And I was delighted to have them over with. 

And then I felt a little guilty that I probably wasn’t the best holiday mom this year.  It’s not that I had a bad attitude.  I just didn’t want to think about the holidays.  Because thinking brought the sadness.  And I was in survival mode.  You can’t take time for personal reflection when you are surviving.  You are just getting through.

So right now, I’m having one of those good times and am finally able to sit down to write again.  At least for today.

My upswing has arrived just in time for a holiday about moms.  After I lost my mom. 

That deep sadness isn’t there like it has been with the other holidays.  There is sadness, and I miss my mom.  But there isn’t that crippling grief.  At least not today.  And I hope not tomorrow either.

Because during these upswings I would like to think that I am able to be the mom I want to be.  The mom who listens to her kids.  The mom who knits with her oldest gal.  The mom who reads poetry with her littlest lady.

The mom who isn’t thinking about running away.

I’m thankful that the lapses are improving.  And I seem to recover faster from the not ok times than before.

I also know that grief is a journey.  It is always with you.  It shapes who you are.

Kind of like being a mom.

Day 15-Already There

I went to work today with the hangover of yesterday’s bad day.  To be honest, I was a little grateful to be going to work.  I needed a change of physical space to put that day behind me.

Instead of my usual meditation, another song lyric was rolling around in my head today.  I thought it was worthy of switching my meditation for the day.

Why are you trying to earn grace?

Today I woke up and felt lacking.  I’m not sure why this particular bad parenting day impacted me so much. 

Maybe it was a hard look at the person I am versus the person I want to be. 

Maybe when I tried to see myself through Lucy’s eyes, I felt shame.

Today I woke up and didn’t feel worthy of grace.

It was still there.

I keep telling my girls that it is ok to make mistakes.  That every day we get to start fresh.

But I didn’t feel that for myself.

It didn’t matter.  Grace was still there.

I didn’t need to feel a certain amount of mommy guilt.

Grace was still there.

Tonight, the girls and I talked about yesterday.  I think Lucy and I both went to bed last night feeling pretty crummy.  We talked about the different choices that we could have made. 

Lucy said, It’s always ok to make mistakes.  Maybe I don’t always set the example I want to.  That’s part of being human. 

When I find myself making those mistakes, we can talk about it, and I can ask for forgiveness.  Maybe that’s the real example that I should be setting.

The example that perfection doesn’t exist.  When we make mistakes, we can apologize and try to do better next time.

And grace is always there.

 

This post is part of the 31 Day series-Mindful Moments.

 

Day 14-Contrast

Yesterday was one of those days where I felt like I failed as a mom.

Lucy has been working on a book report for a couple of weeks.  Every weekend, she has been working a little bit on it.  I credit her teacher for coming up with the schedule that has been guiding this.

Already, Lucy struggles with wanting to do homework.  There is often some amount of complaining and griping.  I’m not sure where that comes from.  I wonder why some kids do homework without any issues (Katy, most of the time) and others turn it into a full-scale drama.

It took her hours to write a paragraph.  Hours.

As a parent, I struggle with that need to want to take over and do it for her.  I know that’s what she wants, in the short term anyway.  I know that after her assignment is turned in, she is happier having done it by herself.  It’s hard to know where that line is.  Also, not being a teacher, I’m not sure what satisfactory 3^rd grade work looks like.

I was not in my best mom form.  It was Sunday.  I wanted to relax.

Instead, I was having to process her paragraph with her…all day…

There was no patience.  Or grace.

It was the worst version of myself.

I feel low reflecting on it today.  I felt low while it was happening. But I couldn’t stop it.  I didn’t know how.

Even in those quiet moments where we were taking a break from the work and I was alone, I asked for wisdom.  I begged for grace.  My patience would return.  Only for a fleeting moment or two.

I simply couldn’t understand how we could have such a great day the day before, and today was a such a painful struggle.

I was grateful when the work was done, and Lucy was in bed.

I was left with my thoughts and the sewing machine.

whose presence is balm

I let the quiet of the night take over.

I tried to push away the guilt from my choices of the day.  Does mom guilt ever go away?  Probably not.

I wasn’t looking for answers.  I was looking for quiet.

I was looking for grace.

 

 

This post is part of the 31 Day series-Mindful Moments.

 

Identity

This business of parenting is challenging.  I feel that moms have it even more challenging.  I don’t see dads comparing themselves to each other, feeling inadequate, feeling torn between working or staying home, feeling like they are not enough.

Ok, ok, maybe there are dads out there that struggle through that.  Or maybe all of us parents struggle on some level.

I suppose because I am a woman and have mostly female friends, I see this more as a mom issue.

Having young children can be terribly isolating at times, especially if you have limited supports.  Your schedule is dependent on naps or feeding times.  The physical exhaustion can be so intense.  You can struggle between wanting to have some time to yourself and not feeling like you are giving enough to your child.

There have been many moments in the past couple of years when I feel like I am finally coming up for air.  I am sure that part of this is leaving survival mode.  Some of it is simply coming out of the preschooler/toddler stage with my children. 

On the weekends, I can go on a two hour run and not feel guilty about having alone time.  I realize that those moments are helping me become a better mom.  I need that time alone.  I need that time to feel good about myself.  And it’s not just running.  Sometimes it’s journaling or crafting or reading or cooking alone.  It’s those things that make me feel like a separate entity from my children, like a real person. 

When I talk to moms with kids in that demanding stage, it is easy for me to remember those days.  I see the struggle with some of those moms.  The desire to redefine themselves now that they have added “mom” to their list of roles.

I wish I had words of wisdom.  Sometimes, it’s an accomplishment to simply survive those years.  Looking back on it, maybe there are some things that would have made it a bit more bearable.  To be honest, I can still use these reminders.

We are not the mom next door to us.  And we are not supposed to be the mom next door to us.  We are individuals.  We have our own values and our own way of raising our kids.  And that’s ok.

We can make it through this business of parenting by creating supports with other moms.  We need to share frustrations, successes, questions with other people who have been there.  And when we see other moms who are struggling, we can offer to be a support for them, watch their kids, listen to their stories, bring coffee.  Now that I see myself as emerging from some of that physically demanding part of parenting, I enjoy supporting moms who are still in the trenches.  Sometimes, all we need to hear that we are not alone.

It is ok to renew our spirits and take care of our own needs.  It is ok for us to have other roles outside that of “mom” and interests that are unique to us.  Having a hobby (or interests or goals) doesn’t mean that I am neglecting my children, it means that I am nurturing myself.  And that helps me be a better mom.

Exercise is great at getting out that negative energy and helping gain perspective about this business of parenting.  This is something that I neglected when my kids were toddling around.  It can be hard to fit into the schedule.  It has to fit between all of the guilt for spending 30 minutes by yourself.  Sigh.  Let’s all reread the previous paragraph just for good measure.  The other benefit to exercise as a mom is that it can make you feel a little bad ass.  Why yes, I have two children and I just ran 12 miles.  Not that I’ve ever thought that….

If you are a mom of young ones, hang in there.  It’s ok if you aren’t cherishing every moment with your child because your child is having such a screaming fit about going into Kohls that it reminds you of that scene from The Omen where they try to take the spawn of the devil into a church.  It’s ok to table that moment and cherish some others.

But please don’t be fooled.  That physically demanding time changes into new parenting challenges.

We can make it through those too.  Let’s stick together.

A Hard Place

I am still immersed in that heart hurt area of parenting called bullying. 

I am exhausted.  This has been going on for a year now.  And the thing about bullying is that it is a roller coaster.  It isn’t simply all lows.  That might be easier.  That might be more concrete to show my ladies that this is a bad situation.  Instead, a false branch of kindness is often extended to my ladies.  This builds their hope.  And often ends in heartache.

I am confused.  Am I doing the right thing?  Am I balancing enough of letting them figure it out with providing ground rules and guidance?  I know better.  I know there is no right thing.  Yet doubt still creeps in.

At times, I am full of worry.  When around the bully, the ladies forget who they are.  Yesterday my kind hearted Lucy left out another child that she was playing with to accept that false branch from the bully.  It broke my heart to watch this child on the fringes, just waiting for a friend.  Mostly because I’ve seen my own kids on that fringe, with my heart just wanting so badly for a friend.  My brave Katy, with her concrete sense of fairness, is easily swayed by the bully.  Often to side against her own sister, causing more heartache at home.

I wonder if I am taking this too seriously.  If I should just let kids be kids.  And then I go to work and see adults who never had anyone show them as a kid what it means to be loved, what kindness or respect is.  Kids don’t just figure it out.  They see the world around them, they interpret their experiences as the only way.

I can’t simply stand back while my ladies think friendship is full of conditions, drama and pain.  At the same time, I can’t make their decisions for them.

And so this is where I am right now.  Seeking wisdom.  Needing to let go of this worry.  Hoping that my kids will have the courage to be who they are.