Somebody that I Used to Know

See that big hill at the bottom of the picture?  That used to be part of my regular running path, as well as the park that surrounds it.

Today, I don’t think I could make it up there without having to stop a few times.

This park has good memories for me.  It was only a couple of miles from our old house.  It was a big running milestone for me when I could make it to the entrance of the park.  It was a bigger deal when I could make a giant 12.5 mile loop around the park.

The views are beautiful.  One day on a run, I was startled by a herd of elk.  And even when the park was flooded, its recovery brought me hope.  The inspiration picture for my word of the year in 2014 was taken in this park.

Running through this park gave me time to think.  It gave me the opportunity to prove to myself how strong I could be.

My last good run of 2014 was actually in the spring.  It was right after my mom was diagnosed with cancer.  And it was in this park.  I saw those trees again, I felt hope.  It was the last time I ran in the park.  Hopefully, not the last time that I will ever run in the park.

This late spring and summer were filled with crummy runs.  Obligation runs.  I was only running because of a race that I registered for.  I lost my heart for running.

I have felt a lot of guilt about not running.  But I still don’t want to do it.

2014 changed me.  In a lot of ways besides the running.

And I’m not sure that I will go back to that same person I used to be.

And how could I be that same person?

And even though I am not that person, that doesn’t mean that I am less than.  And I need to give myself the grace to believe that.

I’ve thought about my one word for 2015.  What is it that I want to stay focused on this year?  Last year it was hope, the previous year it was awake.

This year, I think a well suited word is discover.

If I am not the person I used to be, then who am I?  This year, I would like to spend some time working on that.  Getting back to the person that I want to be.  And is that even the same person?

We can’t go through life without change, both good and bad.  But I feel like I have been just trying to get through, a new survival mode.  I neglected those people and activities that nurture my spirit. 

This is going to be a year of figuring out what the new normal looks like.  This is going to be a year of returning to what has kept me strong and finding renewed joy.

This is going to be a year to discover this new/old life.