Silent Companion

I finished watching the first season of Broadchurch.

Wow.  Just wow.

Wonderful show.

The writing for this show is lovely and real.

The way the writers captured the experience of grief was beautiful. 

Grief was described as a shadow that you get used to.

There are some days when I find myself in disbelief that my mom is gone.  It’s always with me.

There was a scene in one episode where a family member starting crying tears of grief during a happy moment.  Another character explained it as saying that things get a little muddled.

They certainly do get muddled.  Feelings of joy one moment and intense sadness the next.  I have moments where I am overcome.  On Katy’s birthday, we all ended up in separate cars driving to the restaurant.  It was just me and Katy in one car.  Everything was great, and then I turned the corner and this giant full moon was rising over the pasture.  My mom loved the moon.  And I felt like she was saying happy birthday to Katy.  And I was happy and devastated at the same time.  How is that even possible?

I know from my work as a professional that there is no such thing as closure.  There is no getting over it.  I’m sorry if any of you had this fantasy, and I ruined that. 

And it’s not that I’m trying to get over anything.

There are certainly moments that I am trying to get through.  Trying to survive.  And that’s enough.

I will continue this journey with my silent companion.  A journey that is complex and murky. 

A journey that will never end.