After my days of survival mode, I thought I needed fill my days with activity. A voice in my heart told me to be still.
I needed to hear that message. I needed to be still.
I was tired. My days had been full of activity but nothing ever seemed to get accomplished. I was going from a zombie-like state from work, to housework, to the other job, to being a mom.
I needed to be still.
In being still, I’ve been able to find out a bit more about who I am. There has been peace in the stillness.
Lately, I’ve been hearing another message on my heart. Enjoy where you are.
When I was in survival mode or during times of struggling with finances, I would often look at others’ lives and think, I want what they have. And that meant a lot of different things-I want their house, I want their relationship with their kids, I want their job, the list could go on and on.
I was always scheming for the next thing. A better house, a better job, a better plan, a better life. I was forgetting the present. The life around me. The life I actually had. The truth.
In this past year of being still, I have noticed that things aren’t always what they seem. I knew this, of course, deep down, but when you are desperate, you cling to notions of truth, not actual truth. You cling to illusions of how life is for other people.
My eyes have come to see what my heart knew. The life I thought others’ had wasn’t actually the life that they had.
There was often pain behind the door. Or heartache. Or struggle.
So all of my scheming for the next thing was for nothing. It was a distraction.
Let me give you an example of this. I used to constantly look at houses for sale or rent. Our next place. The truth is that I enjoy our little home. Would it be nice to have more space at times or a yard? Sure. That doesn’t take away from my enjoyment of our house.
I’m certainly not saying that it’s bad to have goals or dreams. But my obsession over the next… was taking away from what I love about my life.
Here I am now, enjoying where I am. And sometimes, it’s hard to enjoy. There are still times of struggle or heartache. The difference is that I’m no longer looking for the next thing to distract me from life. I will be still. I will enjoy where I am. Even if the moment or season is challenging. I will stay awake.