Hopeless

Good Friday doesn’t seem that good.

I read this beautiful post today by Lowell Grisham that seemed to sum it up so well. 

When the worst happens. That's today.

When a good person gets run over by injustice. When a friend betrays. When the systems of religion and society fail. When leaders make bad decisions. When fear predominates. When friends don't come through. When love is returned with callousness. When one who has healed is broken. When violence erupts. When compassion is absent. When public humiliation is inevitable. When there is nothing you can say. When there is no way out. When goodness counts for nothing. When the wrong people are in charge. When the mob starts to turn. When everything you stood for is dashed. When horrible pain is unavoidable. When you wish it would end and it doesn't. When evil triumphs. When the taste for torture feeds. When the strong oppress the weak. When people entertain their lowest instincts. When they lie. When everyone abandons. When the powerful attack. When exhaustion hits. When thirst is burning. When you can't breathe. When death is inevitable, slow agony. When God is absent. When there is no consolation. When all is hopeless.

These words struck me.  I see bits of this world every day.  When a good person gets run over by injustice.  When violence erupts.  When compassion is absent.  When there is nothing you can say. 

Something else struck me while reading this post.  On that day, there were helpers.  They wiped a brow, they carried the burden, they were simply there-their presence saying, I am here, I love you.

I can relate to that.  I am often with someone when the worst happens.  And most times, I have no words, there is only my presence to say, you matter and I care.

It isn’t hopeless.

We can look at Easter and think, it wasn’t hopeless on Good Friday.  We know the end of the story.

I don’t always know the end of the story in real life.  But I can hope.

That’s the Good I see in in Good Friday.

We can rise from hopelessness.

Skimming

I haven’t been doing a lot of writing lately, but I have been doing a lot of reading.  Over the years, people have gifted me bookmarks, and I always seem to lose them.  I always grab the closest piece of paper, sometimes a hair tie.  Sometimes I make a (failing) effort to remember the page number. 

I’ve noticed that Lucy does this too.  The other day she used my car keys as a book mark.  Recently, I’ve been using this Hela Kitty picture that Katy left on my night stand.  Obviously, she meant to write Hello Kitty.  I think it’s hilarious.  Too bad Lucy took it from me to use for herself.  And she lost it, bringing her to my car keys.

I’ve been holed up with books trying to quiet my busy mind at the end of the day.  Occasionally this backfires.  I can’t finish a book before bed.  My mind spins with thinking about the unwritten chapter (like last night).  The next step for the characters.  I suppose that’s a little too much like my worries for work.  Thinking about the next step in someone’s life.

Overthinking about something I don’t have any control over.

As usual.

Instead of overthinking, I have been trying to seek quiet.  This hasn’t gone unnoticed.  A couple of days ago, my dad sent me a text (yes, my dad can text), “You’ve been quiet on facebook.”  I thought about it for a while.  My latest post was last week, in which I shared some personal insight about the dangers of having a beer several hours after donating blood.  I guess my dad didn’t think that was enough oversharing.

My brain has felt crowded lately.  So I have been skimming.  Skimming the facebook and pinterest posts, skimming blogs that I frequently read, skimming news stories.  I don’t feel that I have room for anything else.

Maybe it is the season.  Technically it is spring, but it feels more in between.  Maybe I need a vacation.  I feel focused for a few days, and then I’m back to skimming.

The thing about skimming is that I don’t really feel awake.  I don’t feel present.  I’m rushing.  And then I am hard on myself because I know that I won’t get those days back.

I keep thinking that if I have quiet, I will have clarity.  It hasn’t exactly been working.

I need to remind myself of some truths.

-Perfection does not exist.

-My mind skims because it is one of the ways that it renews itself from overload.

-It is ok if I don’t find a single solution to my overcrowded brain.

-I have been doing awesome at eating my vegetables.

Starting a New Life

On March 11, 2012, I drove home after my last overnight shift.  I felt incredible relief.  The need for the second job was over.  I would actually have days off each week.

A year later, I still find myself reflecting on that time.

The sleep deprivation.  The eyes that burned from lack of sleep.

The loneliness.  The loneliness of carrying a burden.

The feeling of loss.  Losing precious time with my ladies.

The glimmer of hope.  Hope for a different future.

Within the past couple of months, my body has finally started to let go of old habits.  I don’t feel the need to take a nap at 8 pm to get ready for an overnight shift.  I don’t find myself bracing at bedtime because I have to stay up all night.  Now I just go to bed.  And yes, some nights (most nights), I go to bed by 8:30.  Don’t judge.

I look back and wonder how I made it.  How did I keep going?  How did I function?

Last night, I was thinking about a project I have been working on for work.  And I wondered how I would have been able to complete it if I had still been working 7 days a week.  I would have found a way. 

I always found a way.

There were so many moments that I wanted to give up.  I wanted to let someone else carry this burden.

I held on.

Because of that, I can reflect on that time without regret.  The moments of sleep deprivation were fleeting, only a memory now.  The moments away from my family were getting me closer to the moments I have with them right now.  The moments of loneliness are replaced by my full heart.   

A full heart.

A year later, I have a new life with a full heart.

Gentle Spirit

My lovely Lucy had a birthday this week.  She turned 8.  Not possible.

Because it was her birthday week at school, she was asked to fill out an All About Me poster.  After reading it, I wondered who this kid is.  For example:

Favorite sport-soccer.  She hated playing it, and she doesn’t watch it on tv.

Best friends/activities she likes to do with them-she named two kids that she doesn’t hang out with and said that their favorite activity is to have play dates.  When are these playdates happening?

And the most perplexing of all, she named Texas as a fun place to visit.  Not saying anything bad about Texas here.  I guess this was confusing because she hasn’t been there in about a year and half.  And what did she do that was so fun?  She looked at houses.  And even drew a picture of her with houses.  Sounds like she went to some sort of real estate convention.  That is not the trip that I remember.  I remember a lot of pool time and relaxation….and to be accurate it was very hot, not warm.

This is the Lucy that I know.

 

I made this for her as a birthday present.  After I took this picture, I added her name in chipboard letters that were painted purple.  Of course, the letters started falling off as soon as she opened up her gift.  That’s ok, nothing a little hot glue won’t fix.

 

Lucy is so much like me that it often seems a bit eerie.  She had a day off from school and chose this to wear around the house.  I was wearing pj pants, a t-shirt and a grandpa sweater, so I couldn’t judge.  She loves to relax around the house.

 

This was Katy on that same day.  She was ready to go somewhere, as usual.  Just like her dad.

Of course, Lucy is also different from me, in ways that I truly appreciate.  She is mellow, just like her dad, and doesn’t automatically go to panic mode, that would be me and Katy.

I have been so blessed to have this gentle spirit in my life.