Honoring the Feeling

After all the words I wrote before the start of the holiday season about compassionate presence, all of the checking in and being present I did this week as a helper, I woke up on Thanksgiving and realized I was not ok.

I woke up with a heaviness in my chest.  Oh right, I knew that feeling.  Grief.

Sometimes I think I will be ok.  Sometimes it is heavy.


The silent companion always seems to be there.  The warning signs were there throughout the week.

I've been sitting with such a heavy loss this year of my niece who was a beautiful, joyful soul.

I've been sitting with the familiar loss of my mom.

Three years ago, when the loss of my mom was fresh, I probably coped in one of the most unhealthy ways.  I stuffed that feeling.  I wouldn't allow myself to experience it.  I tried replacing it with other feelings.  I tried to put on a good face.  I listened to all of the "shoulds" in my head.

You know what happens when we do that?  Our trauma starts leaking out.  It wasn't until the following spring when my periods of depression were lasting longer than I could help that I knew wasn't ok.  It was time for me to get some help.

This year, with this loss, I did something different.

I leaned in.

I honored that feeling.  I allowed myself to feel that hurt.  At times, I put my hands on my chest and breathed into it.

Instead of pretending to be ok, I allowed myself to be with that grief.

I allowed myself to tell others that I wasn't ok.

The night of my niece's funeral, when everyone was spending time together, all I wanted to do was stay in my dress, covered in the hotel robe, and sit on the bed.  So I let that happen.

After the loss of my mom, I didn't do that.  I kept going.  I did what I thought I "should" do.

While I sat on that bed, Billy joined me.  And one of my big sisters came to the room and sat with me too.  It was a tender moment that they probably don't even remember.  The three of us, sitting on the hotel bed.

This is what compassionate presence is about.  It's sitting with others in their pain.  While they are still dressed for a funeral.  Wearing a hotel robe.

This is the gift that we can give to ourselves...honoring our feelings.

I read a quote recently that stands out.  I thought I would share this:

"If I turn away from this grief and pathologize it, I am turning away from all of life."  -Jeff Foster

Grief and sorrow are part of our human experience.  To live our full human experience, we have to experience all the feelings.  Even though some hurt terribly.  We have to live through some of these hard feelings to make room for joy.

And he continues, "Perhaps this grief is huge love in disguise."

Absolutely.  The grief wouldn't be here if the love wasn't deep.

If this Black Friday finds you with a feelings hangover, lean in a little.

Reach out to those people who can sit with you while you wear a robe.

If the weather is nice, go outside for a bit and feel the warm sun on your face.

If you have a pet, spend some time with them.

And if the pain is too much or lasting too long, call a professional helper.

Be kind and gentle with yourself.