Sometimes We Cry

 

Lately, I’ve been feeling more confident.  Having moments where I feel like my old self.  Returning to that person.

Every day though, I still experience a full range of emotions.

I go to bed exhausted. 

I started today feeling strong.

And then I got to a meeting where someone said “colon cancer,” and I thought, I’m ok.  No, really, I’m ok, wow, look at how ok I am.  That was the moment that I realized I completely stopped listening to anything that was being said.

And it’s ok that I’m not ok.

I had another one of those moments where a colleague asked about my “time off” in August.  How was that? she asked.

Here we go….again.

So, I wasn’t on vacation…

I feel bad because I’m sure that people are mortified when they hear the answer.    

But maybe I’m a little relieved because I’m not wearing my grief as obvious that I think I am.  Or maybe that’s what I want to believe anyway.

So tonight, I will go to bed exhausted.  And tomorrow is another opportunity to wake up strong. 

With some grief mixed in.

This post is part of my 31 Day series.  To start from the beginning, click here.

Little Hearts

 

My girls fill my heart with joy.

Sure, there are those usual parenting moments.  Like having to intervene because they are fighting over paper.  Paper.

Their silliness catches me off guard sometimes.

Last night, Katy was walking down the stairs and started, “Do you think it’s possible…”

Lucy (walking into the room and oblivious to what Katy was going to ask) interrupts with, “For a King Cobra to bite a King Cobra?”

Where does this stuff come from?  King Cobras?

They eat brownies and discuss Doctor Who.

I am grateful to have these ladies around me.

Their tenderness restores my faith in people.  Katy announced a good moment at school, so they hugged each other.

Maybe it also helps restore my faith in my abilities as a parent.

They keep things light around here.

Katy jumped out at my dad tonight to scare him with her plastic vampire teeth.  And then Lucy rode on her back, calling her a vampire pig.

Their resiliency after a year of many changes motivates me to keep moving.

I know they have their sad moments too.  Those moments usually start out with, “Remember when…”  I hold my breath every time one of their sentences starts out that way.

I am surprised at their beautiful reflections about my mom.  And their wisdom of how life isn’t fair.

I know their little hearts are being stretched this year too.


This post is part of my 31 Day series.  To start from the beginning, click here.

Standing Still

 

When Billy and I were looking for a house, I was hesitant about searching in the area we are now living in.  The commute was a bit longer than I wanted.

That long journey of looking for a house made us rethink things, so we expanded our search to this area.  The next day we found our house.

And while I do love the actual house, it’s more than a house for me.

It’s this area.  It’s so peaceful.

And yes, the commute is still a bit longer than I would like.  But I follow the foothills the entire way.  Can’t complain about that view.

The extra time in the car has been good lately.  Lots of time to think about life. 

I feel incredibly blessed.  My daily needs of shelter are met in this lovely home.

More importantly, l found my peace place.  A place where I can take a deep breath and exhale a sigh of relief.

There's a place up on the mountainside
Where the world is standing still

I hope for this for others. 

To find that place of belonging. 

To find that place where your soul can rest.


This post is part of my 31 Day series.  To start from the beginning, click here.

Comfort

When life changes so much, I seek out comfort in what has stayed the same.

We all know how much I like my routine.  There is definitely comfort in that.  There is simplicity in those day to day tasks that we need to do to keep moving.  There have been a couple of nights when I found myself at the sink doing dishes, content to be part of the routine.

A couple days ago, I wrote about remembering things about myself.  Remembering those things, doing those things, being that person that I want to be again brings me comfort.  It reminds me that I am capable of being more than messy.

Seeing the people around me unchanged, quietly engaged in their activities, encourages me to move forward. 

I feel pretty exhausted for a Sunday night.  We were all headed back home, and I heard a sound from the backseat.  A clicking.  I saw this little lady pictured above.  She has been teaching herself to knit.  I loved hearing that sound. 

This reminder that something was still the same after life has been turned upside down brought peace to my heart.  I was struck by the joy on her face and the soothing sound of those whisper-like clicks.

And while I may feel a little weary headed into this week, I can take that bit of peace with me.

 

 

This post is part of my 31 Day series.  To start from the beginning, click here.

Another Story

The new normal.

I’m beginning to hate that phrase.

I don’t know what that was to begin with.

Someone who also lost a parent told me, I keep searching for it, and when I think I’ve found it, it’s not really it.  The pain is still there.

It makes me think of these song lyrics:

I'll tell you one thing
We ain't gonna change much
The sun still rises
Even with the pain

I suppose you could think that sounds really depressing, but to me, it’s a reminder that we are still moving forward.  The song continues:

Can we go on, as it once was?

And I guess to answer that question, no, we can’t.

Life is different.

And not only are you left with the loss, but you are changed.  You think about things differently. 

One of the hardest parts is moving past how I thought life would be.  And being ok with moving forward.

Life continues for the rest of us.  And I know that there are lots of good moments to be had.  There already have been.

I know that this hurting heart won’t be forever. 

This hurting heart doesn’t define my life.

The sun still rises.



This post  is part of my 31 Day series.  To start from the beginning, click here.